untitled ramblings 2019

They definitely call it grinding for a reason. The image of an ornate, intricately patterned wood piece - fading away as it slowly turns against a sanding belt... that's the type of grind they're referring too.
The type of grind that washes away the jet black from your personality and replaces it with spotting strands of silver grey, that's not what you meant when you said with the years you would stand out. The type of grind that shreds apart your personality like the cloths that that start to split as you just inch out a bit from the top, the awkward stare into the mirror only looks different because of the dust between your wrinkles.

I kid. As always there's some parallels between my mood and the descriptions of the climb that has been the last couple of years. To say that I knew exactly where I was going to end up, would be a complete lie. If there was one thing I can say I didn't miss forecasting was how happy I would make myself. 

It's emboldening to reread the words I had sprawled to fill the empty calls of the bits available on here. Thoughts and ideas of someone perhaps confused about the motives and callings available. I haven't changed. It's the truth though, I am the same confused and struggling kid from 2013 as I am in 2019.  It's for the better. To be someone who you know than to turn into something you didn't expect. Life has challenged me and grinded away so much of what was on that top level but the grooves, the crevices, the initial spark of personality never has gone away and it was important that it was recognizable to me as a feeling and not as an image.

We can not see what we do not expect. It is as true today

Resurfaced Words

It's been three years.

My emotions have changed just as much as the climate in Orange County. My Responsibilities have lessened only to be replaced with things of much more density. My job, my life, has become a step closer to the age-old idea "doing what you love, and getting paid for it.". I'm thankful that I am where I am today but I also respect that all of the world around me has been shaped by own hands. Where I am today is directly due to where I put myself, and in-between almost dying, having a kid, and all the life-altering substances and events, lies a view of the light at the end of the tunnel. A little less Rockstar DJ/Label Founder and a lot more Monthly-Residence-at-the-local-club-maybe-a-modest-design-gig. You know, that grandiose idea that somewhere - later on in life, things are just going to be okay. 

It's funny because even I know: things are never great Just okay.

I always think that we can never really be "great" without considering all the risks we didn't take. All the opportunities completely immature to their promise that it all seemed so stupid. Live in reality my boss once said to me and I took that heart. If I live in reality and according to some, reality only exists inside my head, why shouldn't I be trying to get exactly what I want? 

I'm doing this time for me. That's the difference between then and now. 

Things are naturally inclined to grow.

Even the absence of anything, space, is naturally inclined to grow. I climbed in your arms, and you pulled away. The new cavity that you moved into my heart today left me so alone. And the more it seems that I'm there, the more I realized that you weren't. A desert without lizards, an ocean without the moon and sun, I don't see how it could be so lonely out here but it is. I need to know you're listening. I need to know you're out there.

We're all losers

The TV is on, its going from channel two all the way to four hundred and two. I can only observe the talking heads that never provide anything new, they exaggerate and pervert our life instead. They take the essence of our conversations, of our problems, of our ideas and throw them against the wall until they splat into an unrecognizable image. I look at my life and I look at yours, and I wonder if what we're doing is really worth anything. And if it's not, good, at least you can turn on the television and really enjoy something. This only makes me think that maybe we should accept failure, maybe we should accept dismal earnings as long as someone else is enjoying their life.

Maybe my job is to keep them on their horse.

Freedom doesn't have the same ring as it used too. I sit and think and wonder what it is exactly that I'm trying to do with myself. And the truth is that all I want is to be happy. I don't want a million dollars, I don't want a load of cars or tons of woman. Happiness seems to be a rare resource pushed aside by the immediate satisfaction brought from cash. This depression in America doesn't stem from an economy with no stability, it doesn't come from a shortage of consumers or jobs; but from inside each and everyone of the persons hooked on to their vices with no true idea of who they are, but a firm grasp of who everyone else is. What we have is a shortage of dreamers, what we have is a depression of ambitions, so content to enjoy what little we have while we restlessly watch others who have it all. We cry, whine and whimper, but where are the real emotions? Where is the anger? Where is the happiness, the ability to be human to another human?

Bankrupt on emotions, a total foreclosure of humanity.

I know where I am in this world, I just don't understand where this world is. I feel completely and utterly out of place, I have no ambition to integrate with society in Orange County. I don't understand Orange County, let alone its inhabitants. What happened to all the dreams of our early ancestors? What happened to all the culture and pride my people had?

What's going to happen to our future I wonder as I watch life happening elsewhere on this screen. This window to this alien world I have never seen. Money is no object, humanity faces no danger in this world, why do we allow ourselves to be the exception in reality where we have to live in constant fear, struggle, and total lack of rationality?

Freedom just isn't the same anymore. Free from pests and trouble, not free from chains and cages.