Things are naturally inclined to grow.

Even the absence of anything, space, is naturally inclined to grow. I climbed in your arms, and you pulled away. The new cavity that you moved into my heart today left me so alone. And the more it seems that I'm there, the more I realized that you weren't. A desert without lizards, an ocean without the moon and sun, I don't see how it could be so lonely out here but it is. I need to know you're listening. I need to know you're out there.

We're all losers

The TV is on, its going from channel two all the way to four hundred and two. I can only observe the talking heads that never provide anything new, they exaggerate and pervert our life instead. They take the essence of our conversations, of our problems, of our ideas and throw them against the wall until they splat into an unrecognizable image. I look at my life and I look at yours, and I wonder if what we're doing is really worth anything. And if it's not, good, at least you can turn on the television and really enjoy something. This only makes me think that maybe we should accept failure, maybe we should accept dismal earnings as long as someone else is enjoying their life.

Maybe my job is to keep them on their horse.

Freedom doesn't have the same ring as it used too. I sit and think and wonder what it is exactly that I'm trying to do with myself. And the truth is that all I want is to be happy. I don't want a million dollars, I don't want a load of cars or tons of woman. Happiness seems to be a rare resource pushed aside by the immediate satisfaction brought from cash. This depression in America doesn't stem from an economy with no stability, it doesn't come from a shortage of consumers or jobs; but from inside each and everyone of the persons hooked on to their vices with no true idea of who they are, but a firm grasp of who everyone else is. What we have is a shortage of dreamers, what we have is a depression of ambitions, so content to enjoy what little we have while we restlessly watch others who have it all. We cry, whine and whimper, but where are the real emotions? Where is the anger? Where is the happiness, the ability to be human to another human?

Bankrupt on emotions, a total foreclosure of humanity.

I know where I am in this world, I just don't understand where this world is. I feel completely and utterly out of place, I have no ambition to integrate with society in Orange County. I don't understand Orange County, let alone its inhabitants. What happened to all the dreams of our early ancestors? What happened to all the culture and pride my people had?

What's going to happen to our future I wonder as I watch life happening elsewhere on this screen. This window to this alien world I have never seen. Money is no object, humanity faces no danger in this world, why do we allow ourselves to be the exception in reality where we have to live in constant fear, struggle, and total lack of rationality?

Freedom just isn't the same anymore. Free from pests and trouble, not free from chains and cages.

random writings from the toilet seat

The jukebox shuffles, Alice Cooper all the way to Led Zepplin, but the needle falls on this liitle rare gem. The piano hits the low end of the scale while the bass plays a heavy E. Truth is you can't realize how nice the rhythm is until the horns come in slowly but they still only accentuate your voice. Not an angel but rather a star, a diva, someone I could only think about in my dreams to sing the kind of chrous you do. That line lifts and the vibrato dissapears and you sing from the heart, not the stomach. Your hand tight around the microphone, your supple lips part and out flies the chorus that the 2,000-plus people in the club have been waiting for.
"I told you how long ago," your words rang "All the time in the world, i've had a thing for you." The strobe lights blinked, the darkness erupted inbetween the dazzle of electric lights that rang throughout the room, yet even still I kept my gaze deep and fixed. A smile crept up one side, slowly filling the gap in your dimples when you sang after the breakdown "You got to keep that chin up, I'm going to come back here for that for that phone number". Was it for me? It didn't matter the lights dimmed and flashed, sparked and spilled all over the dance floor and my gaze locked still to your honey brown eyes, that long black hair that danced and teased; my ideas, wit, and humor, completely lacking in this moment of total infatuation. There you were, wide smile and big bright eyes, and I just watched in awe as perfection walked right out.
The night was cold, full of that alley-piss stench in the bar. I wondered if I could ever meet you again under these dim lights. Dim because I was only considerable under those conditions, otherwise I would have acted upon the twinkle in your eyes, the smile you flashed, but truth be told, I could just be crazy.

abcde

What you need to understand is the concept of things crashing. Yeah, I mean things colliding into each other...but I'm talking about millions and millions of miles per hour. Even billions and billions of miles per hour. You look at the galaxy and wonder about its structure and it's chaotic state where everything is spinning and rotating while being flung millions of miles in every direction but you can't lose sight of the inevitable end to the whole thing, collision.

[break]IDEAS

My life I thought had rhythm. I thought that everything while chaotic on its own found harmony as a full structure