The new year came and went but I was too busy to notice.
Straddled down in the ICU fighting...fighting...fighting for what?
Life? What is it?
It's strange. While I lay in my bed with morphine pumping through my body I got scared for the first time in my life. I got scared about life.
I didn't get scared that I was going to lose my life that night, no never, i'm too much of a fighter to go out like that. I wasn't scared that I was going to never wake up but I was scared that had I not woken up, what would have been of my life?
What would people remember? That every time I inhaled some smoke that I could blow a ridiculous O? That I was phenomenal at Halo? I didn't know, I still don't. That night I could have disappeared off the face of the planet, and maybe that could have been my end.
It's funny, the kid who was all the questions and ponders, abstractly might I add, about life could have lost his life in some stupid event that was not even important. For the first time in my life I was scared that I would have ended up being nobody.
Nothing.
There already is enough Nothing and enough Nobodies in this universe, especially on this tiny dot in the middle of the infinite nothingness we know as Space.
But it was a good experience sitting on my death bed, IV's streaming out of my arms, monitor pads watching my heart; I learned that I can't just be NOBODY, and that my life right NOW is just that - nothing. I have nothing to look forward too, and nobody to help share it. I've never been the kind of person to want that routine life I've never been one to join the idiot box generation either, then why would I waste my time? Why would I waste the precious seconds I've been granted to experience and understand the most I can doing nothing and being no one?
Is it because I can't find my calling? Or because I can't find a place to be someone?
The truth is I don't know. I've accepted the fact that somethings I will never know, and that sometimes you don't need to know. Life can't wait for anyone and life sure as hell isn't going to land in front of me.
The following night I was left alone to recover and I thought about myself and those close to me. There's only one way I can be happy I realized, and I have to take action now because if I don't I might one day die as a nobody, who did nothing. And that scares me more than death itself.
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3 comments:
Funny thing that you would think this way dude. I always believe that things happen for a reason and you never know but someone higher than anyone on this earth might be trying to tell you something.......you know you always have a friend in me if you ever want to just BS or just talk....it was nice for once listening to you talk about everything that is going on in your life and hoe you felt....
dude a lot of what you said reminded me of shit that's happened to me the past few months. i'm sorry to see you upset like this because I know how much it sucks.
Sometimes we have to go through rough periods to really figure out the things that will help us be happy. I found that doing breathing excercises and creating time to relax really helps. Also just thinking about what you need to do as a human being to be happy is so important, and letting those needs be the focus of your life. We are animals after all, man.
The most important thing I found is that getting stressed and feeling like you must do something can make it hard for you to enjoy anything else and make the changes you need to make. It's going to take a little bit of time for stuff to work itself out. if you relax, have a good time, be patient and act on your instincts, you'll eventually be fine.
You might also want to take a break from smoking weed or doing any drugs. I think that helped me most of all. It's way easier to take a step back and have a clear perspective, and plus smoking really can contribute to a lot of the negative things you were talking about since it causes your heart rate and blood pressure to go up.
I know this is a long comment and there's a lot of shit to think about, but i just spent the last 2 or three months being really physically sick, stressed out, and upset about all the problems you've mentioned in your blog recently and if I can help keep that from happening to a buddy then I gotta do that. Peace.
Hey chavez!
good to hear from you, even though its not literally to me from you. This is an interesting post especially because I had just experienced the same kind of epiphany recently myself. But I don't think we should worry to much about all that pressure. It'll happen and I think we're are moving in the right direction. Anyway, you don't need to worry about being Nobody because you are already Chavez and thats a big deal iMO. But I totally feel where you're coming from. Keep at it homes. Talk to you later.
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